 For
Parents
Divorce is traumatic for your children. You can help them
through divorce by reading the following tips and by reviewing
suggested books and websites.
25 Tips for Divorcing Parents
The following are tips for divorcing parents. These should
not be interpreted as legal advice. You should consult
your lawyer to see if you should follow these suggestions.
If you are the victim of domestic violence, it may not
be safe or possible to do all of these things. You should
speak to an advocate at a domestic violence agency such
as Waypoint to
learn which tips apply to you.
- If possible, you and
the other parent should tell your children together
about the divorce. Children can handle
many things, but do not like being kept in the dark or
lied to. Have the discussion on a day when your children
have nothing else scheduled. Assure your children that
they will continue to see both of you. Work hard not
to blame the other parent for the divorce with words
or body
language.
- Be realistic about the divorce without dwelling
on the negative. Do not give your children false hope
that
you
will reconcile.
- Listen to your children. Don’t
assume that you already know their concerns. When your
kids ask you questions,
if you don’t know the answer, say so. If you are
unsure of how to explain something, get advice from a
therapist or lawyer first.
- Be truthful with your kids,
but don’t disclose
more than they need to know. For example, they do not
need to know about the amount of child support ordered,
if it
is paid, what the court documents say, or about an affair
the other parent had. It hurts your children to hear
about the bad things that the other parent has done or
is doing
to you.
- Use age-appropriate words to discuss the divorce.
Do not overwhelm kids with legal terms. They do not need
to
know words like “primary care” or “shared
custody.”
- Children may want to know “the
truth” about
why you are divorcing. Explain that there is not just
one reason that the marriage failed and that both you
and the
other parent made mistakes.
- Read books about divorce for
parents and give your kids books about divorce for kids.
- Find out from your lawyer what will happen at court
so that you don’t give your kids wrong information.
Assure your children that they will not be at the divorce
trial, that they will not have to testify, and that they
will not be asked to choose which parent they want to
live with. If your children have strong views and want
to be
heard, hire a children’s lawyer to represent them.
- Have your children see a good children’s therapist.
Attend family counseling with them.
- With the other parent,
tell your children’s
teachers that you are getting divorced so that they can
watch out
for any changes in your children’s behavior or
attitude. Address those quickly.
- Do not discuss the divorce
with others when your children are around. This includes
talking on the phone
while your
kids are with you. Kids are always listening, even if
they don’t appear to be. Young children understand
more than you think.
- Say only positive things about the
other parent around your children. Your children’s
self image comes from both parents. Kids only feel as
good about themselves
as
they do about their parents. Make a list of 10 positive
characteristics and/or memories of the other parent and
share them with your children.
- Don’t assume that
your children share your emotions and feelings about
the other parent. The things
that bother
you about the other parent may not bother your children.
- Share responsibilities with the other parent by both
attending children’s doctor and other appointments.
If you can do so peacefully, you and the other parent
should attend school events, parent-teacher conferences,
and special
children’s events together.
- Be reliable. Show up
for visits with your children on time and call your children
regularly at times that
also work for the other parent.
- Be flexible in changing
the schedule to accommodate the other parent and your
children. Respect that your
children will want to spend more time with friends as
they grow
older.
- Keep things confidential if your children ask
you to, unless you need to tell someone in order to protect
their
safety.
- Your kids need structure, routine, and limits.
Talk with the other parent and agree on rules, discipline,
and schedules that are consistent in both households.
- No matter how much time you have with your kids, make
it quality time. Your children may tell you they
want to
live with you. Remember that they may also be telling
the other parent that they want to live with him/her.
- Help
your children make smooth transitions to the other parent’s
home. Let your children know that you are okay and have
other things to do when they are
not around.
Do not reveal unhappy emotions before or during exchanges.
- Get the help you need. If you are sad, angry, worried,
or stressed about the divorce, seek counseling. If you
are overly emotional, it makes your children feel responsible
for taking care of you and makes them worry about you.
They need to focus on themselves and their school, activities,
and friendships.
- Do not call the other parent names.
Do not have arguments in front of your kids. Do not hang
up the phone on each
other in front of your kids. If you and the other parent
get into arguments, consider only discussing the divorce
by e-mail, in writing, or in private meetings away from
the kids. If you don’t feel like being nice to
the other parent, “fake it ‘til you make
it.”
- Do not make your children your confidantes.
Find an adult to talk to privately.
- Communicate with
the other parent directly rather than through your
children.
- Do not introduce significant others to your
children while the divorce is pending. Wait to introduce
dating
partners to your children until you have dated
for several months and the relationship is long-term.
Take dating
slowly and do not rush moving-in together or re-marrying.
You
may have seen the divorce coming, but your children
probably did not.
Books
Below are books that help parents help their children
through divorce:
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles
Way by Gary Neuman
Does
Wednesday Mean Mom’s House or Dad’s?:
Parenting Together While Living Apart by Marc Ackerman
Teens Are Non-Divorceable: A Workbook for Divorced
Parents and Their Children: Ages 12-18 by Sara Bonkowski
The Fresh Start Divorce Recovery Workbook: A step-by-step
program for those who are divorced or separated by Bob
Burns
Children & Divorce by the Association of
Family & Conciliation
Courts (AFCC)
What Children Need to Know When Parents Get Divorced by
William Coleman
Coparenting After Divorce: A Handbook for Clients
by the ABA Family Law Section
Getting To Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving
In by Roger Fisher et al.
Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High-Conflict
Divorce by Carla Garrity & Mitchell Barris
Impasses of Divorce: The Dynamics of Resolution of
Family Conflicts by Janet Johnston
In
the Name of the Child: A Developmental Approach
to Understanding and Helping Children of High-Conflict
and
Violent Divorce by Janet Johnston & Vivienne Roseby
Dinosaurs Divorce by
Laurie Krasny & Marc Brown
How It Feels When Parents Divorce by Jill Krementz
It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together
Book for Parents & Young Children During Divorce by
Vicki Lansky & Jane Prince
I Don’t Want to Talk About It by Jeanie Franz
Ransom
Mom’s House, Dad’s
House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci
Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Too Afraid to
Ask About Divorce by Meg Schneider
Families Are Forever! Kids Workbook for Sharing Feelings
About Divorce by Melissa Smith
How
to Avoid the Divorce From Hell and Dance Together at
Your Daughter’s Wedding by Sue Talia
Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life by Abigail Trafford
Getting Past No: Negotiating Your Way from Confrontation
to Cooperation by William Ury
Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents
Cope with Divorce by Judith Wallerstein
What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before,
During, and After the Divorce by Judith Wallerstein & Sandra
Blakeslee
Websites
The following websites may be helpful to parents experiencing
divorce:
To help parents understand the impact of divorce through a video:
www.kidsinthecrossfire.org
Up to Parents for divorcing and divorced parents
www.uptoparents.org
While We Heal,
for parents intending to stay married but
working through problems
www.whileweheal.org
Proud to Parent,
for parents never married to each other
www.proudtoparent.org
Other tips for divorcing
parents
www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/divorce.html
Hints for divorcing parents
www.realtime.net/~mmjw/jw.htm
How to tell your kids you are divorcing
www.itsnotyourfault.org/Help_for_separating_parents.html#whatshould
Positive Parenting Through Divorce
www.divorcenet.com/Members/positiveparenting
A time manager for divorced parents
www.ourfamilywizard.com
Resources for parents
www.afccnet.org/resources/resources_parents.asp
|
